Worst E-Mail in History

THE WORST JUNK E-MAIL IN HISTORY, AND OTHER AMERICAN VIGNETTES

James R. Rosenfield

October, 2001

The terrible events of September 11 have elicited a number of messages from marketers, some of them sincere, some self-serving, and some outright embarrassing.

One of the most embarrassing of all was an e-mail sent by Bob Wientzen, CEO of the American Direct Marketing Association.

To do it justice, I must quote it in full:

Dear DMA Members and Friends,

Since September 11th, we have received countless calls and
e-mails from our colleagues in the U.S. and around the world,
expressing their anger, sorrow, and condolences concerning
the terrorist acts in our country. These events have touched
all of our lives. Those who committed these hateful acts may
have believed they could take away our freedom, but we can
not allow that to happen. We must stand together resolutely
and courageously and carry on with our lives.

While we are extremely sensitive to the events that have
gone on in New York and Washington, especially since our
two offices are located in these cities, we will not allow
hate to deter our industry from coming together at the
industry's MOST IMPORTANT EVENT, especially in these
CHALLENGING ECONOMIC TIMES.

The Direct Marketing Association's 84th Annual Conference
& Exhibition will take place, as planned, from October 28 - 31
in Chicago. Even the President's father, former PRESIDENT
GEORGE BUSH, has personally confirmed he will not be
deterred and is looking forward to delivering his keynote
address as scheduled. He has inspired us to continue our
efforts to make the world's largest gathering of direct and
interactive marketers the best ever.

NOW MORE THAN EVER, it is critical for you and your company
to learn the latest direct marketing techniques, discover how
to increase response rates, reduce costs, respond to changing
market conditions, find new suppliers, and network with
industry colleagues. For this reason, I am offering you this
UNPRECEDENTED GUARANTEE:

"From your attendance at the conference, you will IMPROVE
YOUR BOTTOM LINE by at least 10 TIMES THE COST OF THE
REGISTRATION FEE or we'll refund the FULL PRICE of the
conference!"

I make this guarantee in the spirit of helping direct marketers
be successful during these challenging economic times. I am
also absolutely confident that you will come up with at least
one new idea, one innovative change, or one new supplier
contact that will return at least 10 TIMES THE CONFERENCE
COST.

If you haven't already registered, I urge you to do so right
now by calling 1-877-517-3040 or by visiting
http://clks.com/ct.asp?id=505384

I hope I will see you in Chicago, the city appropriately named
by the American poet Walt Whitman as "the city of broad
shoulders." We all need to shoulder the burden, move on
with our lives, and be successful in our business efforts
as well as our lives.

Respectfully,

Bob Wientzen
President & CEO
The DMA

It beggars commentary, does it not? The judgment is execrable, and the language ludicrous: The juxtaposition of otiose, Barnumesque guarantees with a national tragedy of enormous proportion is absolutely cringe-inducing. To say the least, someone wasn't thinking.

September 11 and its aftermath give everything a new perspective, including such mundane items as catalogs and direct mailings.

There was, for example, the unintended irony of a mailing package received that same week promoting The Economist. It featured a photo of a Muslim woman and the headline "Can Islam and democracy mix?"

And there was the darker irony of the Neiman-Marcus Christmas Catalog, now looking like a message from another world, as New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd aptly pointed out. Each year the Christmas catalog features an extravagantly expensive gift, this year "your very own Neiman Marcus Limited Edition 430 Helicopter from Bell at your beck and call.

"From the handsome, deeply hued exterior to the elegant, custom-finished interior, this awe-inspiring aircraft safely transports you in style and elegance…

"It's off to the party or anywhere you please…"

You bet!! And at a mere $6,700,00.00, who can resist?

There is no irony, intentional, unintended, light, or dark in the L.L. Bean Christmas Catalog, a piece of Americana that looks as sturdy and substantial as ever. Not many items are over $100, and only a few break the $200 barrier, a far cry from the credit card-melting seductions of Neiman Marcus.

Nor is there any irony in the current mail campaign for The New Yorker, although the venerable magazine had its first controversy in memory a few weeks back, when it published an item by iconoclastic intellectual Susan Sontag questioning some of America's actions and motives. The two identical mail packages I received are as unassuming as a moth on a dust ball, unadorned white envelopes containing an offer - no copy to speak of, a far cry from the famous New Yorker packages of yore created by such luminaries as the late Bill Jayme.

The offer? One year, 46 issues, for $25. Even though I find The New Yorker virtually unreadable these days, who can resist?

One of the mailings was addressed to "Ms. Rose N. Field," a mutilation originating with a fundraiser who earns a pretty penny selling the names of donors. The other was to "J.N.Y. Rosenfield," the seed name I used when I last subscribed to The New Yorker. It's interesting that they spoke to strangers and ex-subscribers identically. Direct mail wisdom tells us a different approach is warranted, but with a package as cheap as this one, maybe mass production is the best way to go.

These inoffensive mailings are, in truth, tiresome in their ostensibly naïve deceptiveness. What on earth is the "Professional Rate" that brings me the $25 subscription? What profession could "Ms. Rose N. Field," who doesn't exist, possibly have? "YOUR PROFESSIONAL BENEFITS," listed on the backside of the simple, perforated offer/response form, include "Tax deductible if used for business purposes." What, looking at cartoons or reading Susan Sontag are tax deductible?

The deceptiveness of so much direct mail, the deeper deceptiveness of most advertising, is very wearying right now. Sentimental Americana commercials alternate with the business-as-usual beer guzzling bimbos and bozos on TV. Ford and General Motors offer us 0% financing to help America recover. The airlines, those vile companies whose cost-cutting on security helped get us into this mess in the first place, place feel-good ads in the daily papers as they strong arm the government for bail-out money and put long-time employees on the street.

People talk of some kind of good coming from all the horrors, which is the sort of thing folks say at such times. If advertising and marketing became a little more decent, a little more forthright, and a little less manipulative, in the spirit of relating to people as human beings rather than consumption machines, that would be nice.

I don't think it will happen.