Clueless Hopeless 2000

CLUELESS, HOPELESS, AND SPENDTHRIFT: AUTOMOTIVE MARKETING, 2000

James R. Rosenfield

August 2000

In a world of constant flux, some things stay the same.

The automotive marketing process and purchase experience, for example. Name another everyday consumer product where people expect routinely to be cheated, both buying and servicing it.

Freddie, my wife, needs a new car. Her current vehicle has become a surly beast, breaking down routinely, and of course being repaired inadequately.

Car salespeople fall into two categories: The ones who look at you as if you're a piece of meat, and the ones who fawn, oozing unction like a wound. Al, our sales guy on Sunday, fell into the latter category. In his eagerness to please and close the sale, everything he said was a lie, including "and" and "the," to borrow Mary McCarthy's famous quote about
Lillian Hellman.

We ended up buying a car via the Internet.

Is there any industry any more deserving of disintermediation? That's the purchase process. The marketing process is just as bad. I can't think of another category (with the temporary exception of the dot-coms) so utterly clueless and hopelessly spendthrift. Billions are flung about each year on TV campaigns indistinguishable from each other. Millions are spent on elegant brochures that fail to give you product information, save for inscrutable technical specifications. And millions more are spent on direct mail that's often mistargeted, and almost always lacking even the most basic principles of direct marketing practice. Take Volvo, for example.

THE VOLVO DIRECT MARKETING PROCESS: A DIARY

May 18: Step 1, Acquisition Mailing

On May 18, I received a grey, oversized envelope. The envelope showed signs of actual targeting: "THE VOLVO S80 VS. THE BMW 528i (BMW LOYALISTS, AVERT YOUR EYES.)" My wife and I are long-time BMW drivers, so the list work is OK. But
What on earth is happening with the copy: "BMW LOYALISTS, AVERT YOUR EYES." There's no logic or meaning here whatsoever. If I avert my eyes, I won't
see the mailing. If I avert my eyes, it's because I don't want to confront the embarrassing idea that a Volvo could possibly compete with a BMW. I just don't get it.

The enclosed brochure is routine for the genre. Virtually all the copy is reversed, making it impossible to read. Acronyms are strewn about like ticker tape: MSRP, STC, RDS, ECC, EBD, ABS, IC, SIPS, and my personal favorite, WHIPS. The adequate targeting is reinforced by an appropriate price comparison, "ALL FOR $4,175 LESS THAN THE BMW 528i," but it's reversed out of such a light background that it's almost impossible to read.

"Conquest marketing" is the car guys' term for persuading drivers to switch brands. Metaphors are revelatory, and this one suggests that car guys are in the early stone age, grunting and scratching as they figure out what to do now that they're down from the trees. When you refer to customers in terms of "conquest" you're evoking metaphorical domination and rape, as if a customer is a territory waiting to be defeated and plundered. It has every negative connotation of "us against them," all the manipulative, coercive subtext of outmoded 20th Century marketing. In truth, it quite befits the attitude of the car guys towards their customers.

Anyway, I filled out and mailed the business reply card on May 19. I checked the "1 month" box when asked about when my purchase is likely to occur, specified that I wanted info on the C70 convertible, and wrote a note, "GET IN TOUCH WITH ME ASAP!"

June 8: Step 2, e-mail from Volvo

Anyone who's ever done lead-generating mailings knows that timeliness in fulfillment makes or breaks the program. If you don't follow up immediately, interest wanes, and cynicism replaces enthusiasm: "They're sloppy, inefficient, they don't care, so why should I do business with them?"

It's been a few years since I've done a systematic study of lead-generating processes, but last I looked the vast majority of fulfillment packages went out way too late, and in lots of cases there was literally no fulfillment at all!

Why are things so bad? It's for a multitude of reasons: organizational dysfunction, overcommitted and underperforming agencies and vendors, lack of client interest due to sheer workaday lack of glamour, lack of agency interest for the same reason. Marketing VP's never brag at the country club about their efficient fulfillment processes, you can bet on that.

Shouldn't the Internet, though, cure this sort of thing? I gave Volvo my e-mail address, and nothing could be cheaper and easier than sending me an immediate e-mail. But the e-mail popped up three weeks after I mailed the card in!

This is egregious. The promise of the Internet is immediacy. Using it in this laggard, procrastinatory way is an even worse betrayal than the normal eternity it takes to get physical fulfillment materials. And the e-mail copy makes things even worse: "E-mail enables us to deliver exclusive information with maximum ease and speed..." Speed? SPEED??? Gimme a break!

June 10: Step 3, letter to "Jim Rofenfield"

Volvo of North America obviously cc'd the June 8th e-mail to the local dealer, who responded promptly, but with my name idiotically misspelled. The dealer kind of realized that no one can be named "Rofenfield" and deflected blame to the corporate folks via a hand-written note followed by a smiley face, "I hope we got your name and address info correct from Volvo Cars N.A." Of course it would have taken less time to verify my name (I'm in the phone book) than to write the note, but hey, who's counting?

June 13: Step 4, fulfillment package addressed to "Jim Rofenfield"

Yep, June 13, almost a month after I mailed the card.

Following the ineluctable laws of automotive marketing, the brochure is elaborate, expensive, incomprehensible, and unreadable, with all of the copy--yes, every single last word reversed out of black.

The letter? "Dear Jim Rofenfield, Thank you for your interest in Volvo. The enclosed brochure will give you a chance to discover more about the Volvo C70 Coupe and convertible--a fresh revelation of Volvo excellence. Just by turning the pages, you will see how their presence signals a future of new ideas."

This is either ungrammatical or nonsensical or both. Read that last sentence again. What does "their presence" refer to? Grammatically, it seems to modify "the pages." The phrase simply floats out of left field, as lazy and meaningless as a fly ball in a game between losers, on a long, hot summer day.

Mark, the "Vice President, Marketing and Network" (does he have a side job with CBS?), kindly tells me that "If you're ready to experience a Volvo firsthand, stop by your local Volvo Retailer listed below." I was ready!

EXPERIENCING A VOLVO FIRSTHAND!

On a Sunday morning, Freddie and I ventured a few miles north, to the local Volvo dealer.

We were greeted by a third genre of car salesperson, the last resort or burnt out case.

She was a 55 year old hippie, clad in flowing white garments, who had been selling cars for a week, during which period she was able to accumulate exactly zero product knowledge.

In reality, she was a masseuse (she told us) sort of between jobs or lives or something.
The white C70 Convertible was handsome indeed, looking a bit like a slightly degraded Mercedes.

Unfortunately, it cost as much as a Mercedes, and drove like a 1973 Buick. I had thought only we Americans could make such a loose and flubby car, but I guess I was wrong.

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