Customer Relationship Management Hoax

MY LIFE AS A CUSTOMER, OR WHY "CUSTOMER RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT " IS THE BIGGEST HOAX IN BUSINESS

James R. Rosenfield

January 2001

No one is easier to sell to than a salesperson, they used to say.

And no one believes marketing propaganda more than marketers. Ten years ago, we bought into "relationship marketing" hook, line, and sinker. We've now swallowed the rod and reel when it comes to "Customer Relationship Management (CRM)."

Add the Internet, and the frisson becomes even more palpable. But have you ever been personally exposed to the tender ministrations of what, appallingly, is called "e-CRM (Electronic Customer Relationship Management)"?

I recently subscribed to the Internet version of the Wall Street Journal, only to descend into a black hole of technological futility. My user name and secret code refused to work at the one moment in history when a rapidly declining stock market gave me a sense of urgency about accessing the Journal on line.

I was assigned a new password complicated enough to stagger a biochemist. Supposedly I had the option of entering a new password, but it didn't work. (Options that don't really work, by the way, are among the many maddening features of e-CRM).

"I'm trying to enter a new password-the one you've assigned I'll never remember. The technology doesn't seem to be working," I e-mailed. "Also-do I get this free as part of my Wall Street Journal subscription. Or just free for 30 days?"

"Dear Jim," the Journal familiarly e-mailed me back, "Thank you for your e-mail message. Please visit the following URL to automatically remove any previous login information that may reside within all your browsers…"

What?

"You didn't answer my questions. Please try again" was my next volley, answered by "Dear Jim, Thank you for your email message. Your WSJ.com account is a part of a special offer through your print Wall Street Journal subscription. For more information about billing, please contact customer service at: 1-800-586-7625…"

My next move: "You're still not answering my questions-you're simply putting the burden on me. The Journal constantly has articles criticizing this kind of thing, and here you are doing it yourselves. Just answer me: Do I get a permanent on-line subscription, or is it free for 30 days only?"

"Dear Jim Rosenfield." (No longer "Dear Jim," perhaps in response to my increasing impatience.) Thank you for your email message. Our records indicate your WSJ.com account is registered as part of an academic combination offer with the print Wall Street Journal. This subscription will last for the life of your subscription to the print Wall Street Journal. We hope this clears things up!"

This is e-CRM at work:

Step 1: The Journal, presumably through server problems, caused me grief.

Step 2: I sent an e-mail asking for relief, and also clarification of my subscription deal.

Step 3: The Journal put the burden on me to visit a URL and "remove any previous login information…"

Step 4: I sent an e-mail telling them they hadn't answered my questions.

Step 5: The Journal sent me back a message referring me to an 800-number.

Step 6: I e-mailed one more time, asking again for relief.

Step 7: The Journal clarified my subscription deal, but still hasn't helped me with my user name and secret code

Step 8: I no longer care!

Real e-CRM-if such an animal exists-would have enabled the Journal to identify me as a long time subscriber, and treat me with kid gloves. Instead, I got stuck into a laborious 7-step process, and never did succeed in getting all my needs taken care of.

THE BIGGEST MARKETING HOAX OF THE EARLY 21ST CENTURY

With only a few exceptions, most of them in business-to-business environments, CRM and e-CRM are hoaxes. They've become part of the arsenal of those master hoaxers of all, the big international consulting firms. And they're also part of the ad agency bag of tricks.

Customer Relationship Management, to echo Voltaire's famous wisecrack about the Holy Roman Empire, is neither about customers, nor relationships, nor management. It's about technological euphoria, buzzwords, and spin. Amazon.com does it well, to be sure, but at a cost so exorbitant that it may ultimately drive them out of business. E-CRM either doesn't work; works, but is so expensive that it threatens the financial health of the company providing it; or works in a way diametrically opposite to building relationships with customers.

"'Customer management,' is in fact anti-customer," wrote Horst Schulze, President of Ritz-Carlton, in the August 27, 2000 New York Times. He's right. There's something implicitly dehumanizing about the whole concept. "Customer Relationship Management," in fact, is an Industrial Age wolf in Information Age clothing. It's predicated on the idea that customers are a crop to be harvested or a resource to be exploited.

Here's the irony: As the possibilities for relationship marketing have expanded over the last 10 years, first through database management, now through the Internet, peoples' lives as customers have gotten worse and worse.

Consider yours. Are you happier with your bank, your power company, your telephone company than you were before marketers began blathering on about relationship marketing? With the odd exception, of course not. In fact, the daily encounters that we have with product and service providers have progressively gotten worse.

You can blame this on deregulation, if you wish, or on a good economy, or on globalization, the big three economic factors of the last decade. Deregulation leads to mergers, which create minefields for customers, and a good economy makes companies lazy. Globalization renders companies less responsive- f I muck up in Sydney, I can make it up in London. But whatever the reason, things are bad.

As a case study, let's use my own experiences these days as a prosperous, empowered consumer in the rich, almost unprecedentedly powerful U.S.

MY LIFE AS A CUSTOMER: BANK OF AMERICA, IN A CLASS BY ITSELF!

It took me four phone calls and four letters to convince Bank of America, my mortgage issuer, that I had home insurance. And I'm still not sure I've succeeded! They ended up imposing a "forced policy" (their words!) of $2,500 per annum on a house whose mortgage payment is a mere $36 per month. I ended up becoming friends with the poor customer service people in Richmond, Virginia, who just couldn't believe how screwed up things had become since the big merger between NationsBank and the original Bank of America.

Several years ago, Bank of America paid me lots of money to re-write their operational letters to customers. I hope they at least put my versions in a file somewhere. They're certainly not using them.

Note the peremptory, bureaucratic tonality:

"Notification Date: July 2, 2000

"Dear Valued Customer: We received notice that effective 2/19/2000, your hazard insurance policy is being or has been cancelled or nonrenewed…If we do not receive evidence of insurance coverage…Bank of America will purchase, at your expense, one year of coverage on your property…"

I sent proof to the Bank again, having already done so several times. Next letter from them:

"Notification Date: August 1, 2000

"Dear Valued Customer: This is our second notice that we still have not received verifications…We must, therefore, continue the process of obtaining one year of…insurance at your expense…"

Again, I sent proof and actually spoke to a human being, much to each other's surprise. She was actually very nice, and quite long suffering. But it availed not, as evidenced by the bank's next missive:

"Notice of Placement Of Insurance:

"Dear Valued Customer: We did not receive the insurance information we requested…we have purchased one year of insurance coverage…It is different than a standard policy, is probably more expensive, may have higher deductibles, and does not protect you from risks typically included in a homeowners policy…"

Real nice! You're an irresponsible deadbeat, they're telling you, and we're going to rub your nose in it. I wonder where the hostility comes from-I guess hatred of customers.

I again sent proof, and again spoke to a human being, who was again nice and long suffering, again to no avail:

"October 03, 2000

"Dear Mortgager:

"It has been necessary for us to adjust your monthly payment due to the following reasons: (X) Forced Insurance coverage placed. Effective 12-00, your payment will be $248.75."

I'm not even a valued customer any longer! As of this writing (October 17, 2000) the problem has still not been officially solved, although the customer service gals in Richmond were encouraging.

Having spent so many years working with banks, I'm uniquely equipped to handle this problem, but it's certainly stymied me. I can only imagine the sense of resigned frustration average customers must feel when they're exposed to this Beyond-the-Looking-Glass world of action/non-reaction. It's one of the many reasons people hate banks. And it's a long, long way from Customer Relationship Management!
MY LIFE AS A CUSTOMER, CONTINUED: TELECOMS, BROKERAGE FIRMS, AIRLINES, AND OTHER CUSTOMER ABUSERS

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